This just in Austin Powers will get to shag Singapore filmgoers senseless this summer after all, yeah! (I hope I didn't just say that out loud.)
That's right, baby. Singaporean authorities have lifted their ban on the nasty British word "shag" (meaning ... well ... you figure it out) in the title of the new movie about everyone's favorite international man of mystery, "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me." The Films Appeal Committee's decision, reported in the Straits Times, comes just one week after Singapore's singularly ungroovy Board of Film Censors ruled that "shag" was "crude and offensive," rather like the randy spy's teeth, and required that it be replaced with the word "shioked," which means "good" or "nice" in the mixture of English, Malay and Chinese dialects spoken in Singapore. ("The spy who gooded me?" Feed those translators to Mr. Bigglesworth!)
"Today's educated Singaporeans are more mature and discerning and will look at the title in a lighter vein, in the context of the theme which is a comedy," committee chairwoman Pang Cheng Lian told the Straits Times. And if they don't, they'll get a caning from a band of bitter Fembots. (Oh, behave!)
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Insults x 13 = ticked-off teachers
"It's a very, very negative song. It ends with 13 'math suks' in a row."
-- National Council of Teachers of Mathematics president and Michigan State University professor Glenda Lappan on Jimmy Buffett's new song "Math Suks." (Apparently, Jimmy wasn't a big fan of spelling class either.)
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Veep Ventura?
Bad news for Minnesotans. Good news for the rest of us. Gov. Jesse "Look, ma. No skivvies" Ventura is not, I repeat, not going to do a flying mare into the presidential ring in 2000.
His decision not to run has nothing to do with lack of confidence (or lack of undies, for that matter). On the contrary, the chrome-domed Body recently told the Advocate, "I'm already polling 25 percent for president, and I don't even want to run. It's amazing. It tells me I could win."
So what's stopping him? "Did you ever notice how the president, when he is elected, is virile and young? Then four years later he's aged 20 years," he astutely observed in the gay newsmagazine. "I don't want that. I want to stay as young and good-looking as I am."
But, according to a report in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, the former Navy SEAL and pro wrestler isn't ruling out body-slamming himself into the vice presidential spot on a ticket with, say, Gen. Colin Powell. "I promised I wouldn't run for president. I never said nothing about the V.P.," vain, grammatically challenged Ventura said (touching his nose?) on Tuesday.
Former Army top gun Powell has remained mum on the prospect of gunning for the White House on a Reform ticket with Ventura. But, says the young, virile, pantiless Body, "You team up the Army and the Navy, who's gonna beat 'em?"
Hmmm ... Slobodan Milosevic?
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Slinking away from the media spotlight like a naughty doggie with his limp tail between his legs ...
"One of the Doles has been in the family woodshed over the last 24 hours. He looked pretty good there."
-- Liddy Dole, joking about her reaction to her husband's flaccid comments about her presidential potential.s
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The truth about Clinton's twitchin' trunk
Attention, Hillary Rodham Clinton. If you want to know when Mr. C. is lying like Marv Albert's rug, keep your eyes on his honkin' proboscis.
According to Alan Hirsch, a neurologist and psychiatrist who serves as director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, and Charles Wolf, a University of Illinois College of Medicine psychiatry student, the president's truthfulness can be measured by how often he paws at his throbbing schnozz.
As part of an in-depth study on lying, the two men counted how many times the prevaricating prez touched his bulbous honker during his grand jury testimony about his relationship with Monica "I blow more than noses" Lewinsky. In addition to stuttering, swallowing, clearing his throat and averting his gaze (also potential signs of dishonesty), Clinton handled his sniffer 26 times per minute during segments in which he was dissembling while he ventured nary a nasal scratch during his (rare) truthful moments.
But lest you think these findings, presented at the American Psychiatric Association's annual meeting in Washington this week and reported in USA Today, haven't the whiff of truth, Hirsch offered a physiological explanation: "When one lies, erectile tissue inside the nose engorges," he told the paper. "In response to this swelling, the nose itches." At least Bill didn't whip out his hanky and ask Ken Starr to kiss it.
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