Sadly, my nipples just may not be “pert,” “ripe” or “rosy” enough. At least according to Benefit, which is promoting its “kiss-proof” cheek and lip tint as the perfect answer for alluring areolas. Worry not if, like most women, you conceal your nipples from the general public: “Even if you don’t show it off, you know they’re rosier and more perky,” Benefit spokeswoman Alison Haljun told New York magazine.

Sonia Ossorio, president of NOW, complains to the magazine about the “nauseating onslaught of new beauty standards.” It’s a reasonable complaint, but then she continues: “While women are spending their energy, time, and money getting their areolas just the right shade of pink, the Supreme Court is getting more conservative and closer to taking away our long-fought right to reproductive choice.” I’m resistant to dimly equating women’s (alleged) nipple obsession with eroding reproductive rights; it suffices to say that this is just one small part of the commercial colonization of the Land of Private Lady Parts. (How’s that for one-upping NOW’s hyperbole?)

So, ladies, after sculpting your pubic hair into a lightning bolt and dying it flamingo pink, don’t neglect to pamper those nipples, too! You’ll be good and ready for the stripper pole (or sideshow). New York calls it “one more sign of the stripperization of the Everywoman” and, at least in this case, that hardly seems an overstatement. I hesitate to ask: What’s next?