The American people have spoken. And they want ... Oprah ... in the White House. That's right, a new national survey conducted by Democratic pollster Rob Schroth has determined that Oprah Winfrey would beat Al Gore for a seat in the Oval Office if the election were held today. The Goddess of Daytime Talk outdistanced the Inventor of the Internet in the telephone survey of 800 randomly selected voters by 2 percent. And the Al-ster was also edged out by -- gulp! -- Donald Trump. The Manhattan real-estate mogul came through with a 1 percent higher approval rating than Gore. But Oprah shouldn't start packing her bags for Washington just yet. Schroth's survey found that in a three-way race between Winfrey, Al and Elizabeth Dole, Liddy would rule the day.
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Winning numbers direct from the man upstairs
"Our funds were exhausted paying the mortgage, paying electricity and buying food and the medical bills. It couldn't have come at a better time. I thank the good Lord, who knew our situation."
-- Out-of-work truck driver John Savage in the Chicago Sun-Times. This week, Savage bought nine Big Game lottery tickets with identical numbers; each ticket turned out to be worth $150,000, making his total take $1.3 million.
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And so much for American ingenuity ...
Looks like Japanese inventors have beaten the United States to the punch on two inventions that will forever change the way we view aging, companionship and sex. (Are you listening, Bob Dole?)
Invention No. 1:
The Japanese Ministry of Health and Welfare has teamed up with Matsushita Electric to find a new way to care for Japan's increasingly elderly population: robotic pets. Prototypes of Tama, an orange cat, and Kuma, a blue dog, were unveiled last week and will likely soon be unleashed on the nation's old folks, according to the Financial Times.
"Many old people live alone and die alone," Matsushita researcher Kenji Mizutani recently told the pinkish paper. "The government can use Tama and Kuma to monitor those people."
Each teddy-bear-size electronic pet will record how often its owner talks to, touches or squeezes it and transmit the information to welfare agencies. When petted, Tama and Kuma wiggle their arms and legs. When asked, they may relay the local weather and social events. And when scolded, they can even express remorse. Scolded?
Invention No. 2:
They're calling it "spray-on Viagra." Japanese inventor Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu claims his "Love Jet" spritz will increase a man's stamina three times his normal, as well as prevent premature ejaculation and venereal disease, when applied directly to the genitals. The spray, currently available only in Japan but set to make its U.S. debut next month, contains something Dr. Nakamatsu dubs "Horemon," which promotes the secretion of the hormone DHEA. But the story comes with its own kicker: Dr. Nakamatsu also invented the floppy disc.
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Show some emotion
"It's probably harder for somebody to open up and show their sensitive side than to hit a baseball."
-- Baseball legend Mark McGwire to filmmaker Ken Burns in an upcoming issue of USA Weekend.
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Everybody must get shagged
The Austin Powers news just keeps comin', baby. Word on the street is that the soundtrack for "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" will contain a new song by Madonna, cover tunes by Lenny Kravitz, R.E.M. and Melanie G. (aka Scary Spice), an instrumental ditty from Green Day and a Burt Bacharach remake. Who needs "Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace" when the summer promises the shagedelic return of that randy, dentally challenged spy? (Now watch the e-mail from "Star Wars" fans flood my in box faster than you can say, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.")
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And you thought she had no sense of humor
Nancy Reagan, funny gal? Well ... the former first lady did manage a wisecrack (though not at her expense) at a black-tie gathering earlier this week. Crossing party lines to present the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse's Distinguished Service Award to Rep. Charles Rangel, a New York Democrat with whom she worked to discourage drug use, Reagan allowed herself a lighthearted poke at Rangel for urging Hillary Clinton to run for the Senate in New York. "Charlie, come to think of it, you never asked me to run for anything," she quipped. Three little words, Charlie: Just say no.
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