Don't cry for Jane Fonda, America. Yes, she is suffering through what is no doubt a traumatic breakup with her husband, Ted Turner, but she'll find solace in the arms of her new man, Jesus Christ. As she puts her trust in Him, she just might find that He bears many similarities to her still-legal spouse, Ted. For example ...
| Blank |
 Jesus Christ |
 Ted Turner |
| Nicknames | "Son of God," "Little Child of Bethlehem" | "Captain Outrageous," "The Mouth from the South" |
| Claim to fame | Subject of musical, "Jesus Christ, Superstar" | Owner of cable TV superstations |
| Impressive water stunt | Walked on it | Won the 1977 America's Cup |
| Made a name for himself in the Middle East | Yes, preaching there | Yes, with CNN's Gulf War coverage |
| Altruism | Preached good will toward all men | Created the Goodwill Games |
| Performed miracles | Turned water into wine, etc. | Turned perennial-loser Atlanta Braves into World Series champions; turned black-and-white movies into full-color movies |
| Inherited his father's business | Yes, Judaism | Yes, billboard advertising company |
| Deals with enemies by | Turning the other cheek | Challenging them (as he did Rupert Murdoch) to pay-per-view boxing matches in Las Vegas |
| Was once Time magazine's Man of the Year | No, actually | Yes, 1991 |
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