From Russia with love

Feb. 1, 2000

The Russians are waging war in Chechnya, but in Moscow they're studying lovemaking at an intercourse institute called the School for Geishas. A psychologist and an Arab sheik's lover guarantee orgasmic fulfillment with "intimate muscle" techniques.

Pupils can erotically train their muscles to make bedroom boinking "a thousand times better," claims psychologist and founder Oleg Frolove in Friday's Moscow Times.

Frolov says he obtained his ecstatic expertise from a genitalia guru to whom he mysteriously refers only as Vostochnaya Zhenshcina, or "Eastern Woman."

The story goes, she was assigned by the KGB to an Arab sheik's harem where she perfected her vaginal wizardry over the course of 12 years.

Today, Eastern Woman is an esteemed Geisha faculty member offering sensuality sessions to advanced students enrolled in the deluxe, seven-month course for $1,000.

The carnal college's $150, 20-hour introductory course provides a curriculum of erotic massage, dancing, astrology, lovemaking and relaxation techniques, plus the imperative "intimate muscle control."

Hmm. Naked World wants to know how agile and miraculous can a woman's coital grip be? What titillating tricks does a Geisha groin learn?

Letter writing? Yes. Frolov says female students can develop the ability to pen notes with their precise pudenda in only three months. "It takes three years to learn such things elsewhere," he boasts. His school's efficiency at teaching scribbling and other screwier tricks entices clients from all over the planet, even sex-show pussy performers from Bangkok.

But the school's libidinous lessons are all strictly hands-off: NYET TOUCHING! This policy has wilted hundreds of disappointed inquirers who were hoping for live humping with surrogate partners. "Those who want sex can go somewhere else," Frolov grouses. "Women can bring their men here without any worries and men can bring their women." Indeed, he threatens to immediately sack his instructors if they're ever caught giving a student a penetrating one-on-one session.