Dear Cary,
Here's my dilemma: I am a 36-year-old guy who has been with this woman for 10 years, during the last four of which we were married. I always thought my marriage was pretty darn good -- we never fought, were fairly independent, liked the same things, enjoyed hanging out with one another, enjoyed remodeling our place.
A little over a year ago she started acting weird, not coming home right after work, going out for drinks with co-workers very often, etc. When I confronted her about my suspicion that she had a crush on someone, she responded by telling me that she was indeed having an "inappropriate relationship" with someone from work. I was shocked and distraught. She said they never did anything physical but enjoyed each other's company. She tried to convince me over the next several months that marriage was the right thing and we should stay together. The short end of this is that two months ago she finally admitted that she was deeply in love with this guy and needed to move out. And she did just that. I know they started dating right away.
Granted our sex life was close to nonexistent and she also admitted that I had become more of a platonic friend rather than a love -- I think that's what happens when people don't pay attention to their marriage. Now that she is out, she refuses to talk to me (but lives six blocks from our/my place) because she thinks conversation will only open wounds that were healing. The problem is that I am still in love with her and convinced that if we worked on our relationship we could set it right. I've sent her several letters to share that. Obviously that will take some work on her part but how much should I try to get her back without humiliating myself?
Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love,
I wish I knew everything because then I would know what is in your wife's mind. I would know whether she is extremely unusual. I would know how much she is drinking and whether she intends to continue. I would know whether she just needed a dance partner to get out of the marriage or whether this new love came on her unbidden like a storm. I'd know what to tell you for sure.
As it is, I'm just a guy you wrote a letter to, and I can only tell you what's happened to me. What has happened to me is that once a woman has left she has never come back. Never. Maybe I have only known decisive women, or maybe that's how most women are. My belief, based on my experience, is that women don't come back.
Every now and then a hurricane will turn on its heel and go back where it came from and the meteorologists will clap their hands over their mouths and stare in blank astonishment. Every now and then a woman will come home. But if you were my friend and I cared about you, I'd tell you not to count on it. I'd tell you to move on.
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