Dear Cary,
I am 42, decent looking, and have recently started dating now that my divorce is final. I met a man on one of the online services who was charming, had a fascinating history, was well off, and loved animals. He was a good deal shorter than me, 10 years older, and from Burma and with a strong accent, but we communicated well, so I thought. We had a coffee date and it went fine. Then two more dates, one for brunch and another where I brought takeout to his home after work.
On the third date, I kissed him a bunch, and let him put his hands under my shirt and sit on my lap. We talked about eventually becoming lovers, and I said in time that would be wonderful. He seemed pleased and said he'd arrange a romantic weekend out of town. Maybe all that was too much for a third date.
That was over a week ago, and he has not called or e-mailed. I left a message saying I was sorry if I had hurt his feelings somehow, and hoped to see him again. I also said if I didn't hear from him in two weeks, I would not be hopeful of hearing from him again. I don't want to wait endlessly.
Do you think I was too fresh for a third date, that maybe he lost respect for me because I let him do things that were, admittedly, lots of fun? When is it appropriate to do what I did so soon? It's so confusing trying to figure out what physical stuff is OK and when.
Too Fresh?
Dear Too Fresh?
Perhaps he felt shame or guilt about what you two did together. Maybe he feels that he was wrong to participate -- that it brought up feelings he did not want to have, or did not expect to have. Or perhaps he is a very rude man.
Since he comes from a different culture than your own, and is older than you, he may simply be so different that you really cannot understand what he is feeling or what he wants. It's very difficult to say. I continue to believe, though, in a general way, that rightly or wrongly we have to always keep trying to communicate. You can't really know what someone else will understand or not understand. Through writing this column I have learned that. Some people agree and some don't; some become angry and others laugh; some are thoughtful and kind, and others are accusatory and mean. The only way we can make ourselves understood to others is to keep talking and listening.
If he won't communicate, you can't really find out anything. But I would say you did nothing wrong. I would just move on if you don't hear from him.
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