The Fix

First Word

Headlines: There's nothing really new today in the case of Lisa Marie Nowak, the astronaut who went on a 900-mile mission, wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop, in an alleged plot to kidnap and kill a female Air Force captain she saw as a rival to her great love, fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein. But that hasn't kept quippy copy editors from having a field day, sampled below.

"Astronaut's Life Took Swift Nosedive"

"Astro-nut's Fixation Out of This World"

"Space Traveler's Odyssey Mystifies"

"Lust in Space: 'Robochick' Planned to Whack Young Rival for Fellow Astro's Love: Cops"

"Moonstruck Astronaut's Mission Improbable to Murder Her Rival"

"Dark Side of the Loon"

No Botox for Hatcher? Teri Hatcher wants you to know, despite constant media rumors to the contrary, that she doesn't rely on cosmetic surgery or injections to keep up her looks. "I don't use Botox or Restylane and I've never had any surgery, no matter what you've read," the "Desperate Housewives" star tells the British edition of Glamour in an upcoming issue. Wonder where the media came up with the idea she ever used Botox? Maybe it was that interview on "Oprah" last year in which she admitted having injections in the past: "I went to a dermatologist and I'm like, 'I'm just so tired -- look how tired, I'm so tired.' " (People)

At odds over digital rights: Newly appointed NBC Universal head Jeff Zucker started his first day on the job with a jab at YouTube, blaming the site for not doing more to prevent copyrighted material from appearing. "They have the capability," Zucker said, citing YouTube's efforts to ban pornography. "The question is whether they have the will." At the same time, Steve Jobs published an essay on Apple's Web site called "Thoughts on Music," calling for an end to the embedding of digital rights management software on downloaded music. (Music sold through iTunes currently has DRM embedded.) "Why would the big four music companies agree to let Apple and others distribute their music without using DRM systems to protect it? The simplest answer is because DRMs haven't worked, and may never work, to halt music piracy," writes Jobs. "Convincing them to license their music to Apple and others DRM-free will create a truly interoperable music marketplace. Apple will embrace this wholeheartedly." (Financial Times, Apple.com)

Colbert taste test: We asked; you responded. We got a flood of suggestions for Ben & Jerry's rumored Stephen Colbert-flavored ice cream, a number involving eagles and bears and a version of the hard-to-say Colbert Sherbet. We'll print more over the rest of the week (send your suggestions to thefix@salon.com), but here are some of our favorites:

Stephen Colbert's All-American Eagle Food
A ribbon of apple-pie-flavored ice cream, swirled with cream ice cream, and salmon- and trout-shaped pie-crust-flavored pieces. (Thanks, Christi!)

Stephen Colbert's Big Scoop of Balls
Malt-flavored ice cream with a chocolate swirl and whole Whoppers ... just like the lies the Democrats serve to the American people. (Thanks, Keith!)

Fudgya ("Great flavor? Or the greatest flavor?")
The Colbert Dessert (pronounced, of course, "des-air"). (Thanks, David!)

Stephen Jr.'s Eagle Tracks
Vanilla ice cream with red and blue swirls and candy eagle eggs. Mission Egg-Complished! (Thanks, Vic!)

White noise ... Despite rumors earlier this week that they were getting hitched again, Eminem and ex-wife Kim Mathers have no plans to get married for a third time, according to the rapper's publicist. (People) ... According to OK!, Britney Spears has been dumped by her newest rebound boyfriend, Isaac Cohen. A source tells the mag the model dropped her via a long-distance call on Sunday. (OK via Oh No They Didn't) ... A judge in California issued a bench warrant for the arrest of one of the lesser Baldwin brothers, Daniel Baldwin (right), after the actor failed to appear on charges of stealing a friend's car. (Associated Press) ... Freshly single Ryan Phillippe is doing his best to make do without ex-wife Reese Witherspoon. A spy says he has been on the make at Hollywood club Winston's. (National Enquirer) ... Frankie Laine, the singer who had a string of hits through the '50s and was later known for recording the theme for TV's "Rawhide," died on Tuesday in Los Angeles. He was 93. (Associated Press)

Talkers

Newsom's decline: A look at the big scandal out of San Francisco this week, arguing that Mayor Gavin Newsom's current P.R. crisis (affair with an aide's wife, followed by swift entry into alcohol rehab) is just a symptom of a larger problem for the young politico. (The San Francisco Chronicle had the best/worst cartoon on the scandal earlier this week.) Noting that in recent months he has been unwilling to even meet with supervisors, the Los Angeles Times writes, "Critics and backers alike now acknowledge that Newsom has become disengaged, reluctant to grapple with such critical issues as the city's soaring homicide rate among black residents." ("In San Francisco, Mayor's Troubles Not Just Personal," Los Angeles Times)

Index

• Top entertainment post on Digg: "Sesame Street in Danger? Bush Proposes Drastic Cuts to PBS Budget," TV Squad
• Most viewed on Yahoo News: "U.S. Astronaut Released From Jail"
• Most popular track from Hype Machine: "(Antichrist Television Blues)," Arcade Fire
• Most e-mailed story from the New York Times: "A New Problem for Farmers: Few Veterinarians"

; )

Colbert would be proud: "Wild Eagles Attack Paraglider" (Yahoo)

Judgment

"Lost" the critics? After a widely panned third-season launch last fall, "Lost" returns for a 16-week run tonight (ABC, 10 p.m. EST) -- and critics have grown impatient with the series. At Variety, Brian Lowry is most generous, saying "this show at three-quarters-speed is better than most ... even with flaws, 'Lost' remains one of TV's zestiest stews." The Los Angeles Times' Paul Brownfield is unimpressed with what he has seen of the next installment. "The point of 'Lost' is its own silly ambition: It began with a spectacular action sequence -- a plane crash on a remote island, people falling out of the sky -- only to argue, via personalized flashback and some fairly bad acting, that it was actually a show about character, and how one's past must be reckoned with in the present ... 'Lost' is a cartoon, and its psychology is less than rigorous." And The New York Times' Alessandra Stanley seems similarly exhausted by the show's riddles and plot twists, saying the "real mystery" of the show is not "the Dharma Initiative," or the Others, but "whether the writers actually have a cohesive story line that ties together all the unexplained subplots." Stanley also manages to compare "Lost" fanatics with "anti-abortion activists -- their intensity is in some ways more powerful than their numbers." She says this audience influence may be hurting the show, making it less Dickens and more ... Cowell: "'Lost' seems less like a sprawling, serialized 19th-century novel than like 'American Idol': the show's writers and producers are so responsive to public reaction that viewers may as well be voting characters on and off the island by phone and text message."

Numbers

Last week's top TV:
1. "Super Bowl XLI" (CBS), 93.2 million viewers
2. "Super Bowl Postgame" (CBS), 57.3 million viewers
3. "American Idol," Tuesday (Fox), 33.7 million viewers
4. "American Idol," Wednesday (Fox), 31.8 million viewers
5. "House" (Fox), 27.3 million viewers

(Nielsen ratings from USA Today)

Trademarks

Yet more brilliant cultural products we can look forward to, according to a search of the U.S. trademark database:

Trademark: Farttones
Owner: Twentieth Century Fox
For: Television programs featuring video and audio entertainment transmitted via wireless communication devices.

Trademark: Does This Look Infected
Owner: Viacom
For: Television series of short-form segments featuring action, comedy and drama.

Turn On

On Wednesday night, racial tension brews on "Friday Night Lights" (NBC, 8 p.m. EST), it's the finale of the PBS Supreme Court series with "A Nation of Liberties: The Rehnquist Revolution" (check local listings), and the "Lost Survivor Guide" (ABC, 9 p.m. EST) offers a recap of the series so far, followed by the return of "Lost" (ABC, 10 p.m. EST).

Talk

Almost Famous

"Maria Shriver Look-Alike?" from randysonofrobert's Flickr photostream.

Got a friend who looks like a tall Woody Allen? People always saying you look like a chubby Cillian Murphy? We want to see it! Just make sure you have permission -- then send your Almost Famous moment to the Fix. We'll begin spotlighting submissions next week.

Fix contributors: Heather Havrilesky, Scott Lamb, Kerry Lauerman, David Marchese, Laura Miller, Andrew O'Hehir, Amy Reiter, Stephanie Zacharek

Fix logo by Rhonda Rubinstein