Dear Cary,
I'm a worldly, well-traveled, experienced and vibrant woman, still young (age 55), I have a wide network of interesting friends, a talented, caring and loving husband and a young adult daughter (who I raised alone) who is holding her own and doing well. I was blessed (I guess) with physical beauty and I have a strong and elegant personal style. I was fortunate to retire with a full pension almost two years ago and set upon a life of leisure while pursuing my art as an avocation, have held two successful gallery exhibits and produced a book as well, which has been very well received in my Rust Belt American city. I am an INFJ, if that tells you anything. The most marked characteristic to me is that we are only 3 percent of the population.
I consider myself to be very strong and am a survivor. I won't go into my past except to say it included a measure of poverty, violence, loneliness and estrangement from family.
All of that has been long worked out. I truly believe that I am firmly on the path of being the woman I would have wanted to be when I was younger and full of doubt, avoidance, fear and uncertainty.
I believe those are traits that I still have -- they are human traits, after all -- and even when I feel overwhelmed by such emotions I am able to put them into context and move on.
I recently began working again, part-time, at a small retail establishment that is a corporate entity of her sister stores. It's located in an affluent suburb in a pretty little shopping district that was built for just this purpose: retail. A pretty, little fake town with nice shops selling expensive goods: This is how the shopping district is set up. It's pleasant and pretty and in my view it's all pretend. Or it's not. It's all about marketing and spending money and capitalism. It is fascinating and when I go to work I feel as though I'm a cultural anthropologist visiting JCrew/Abercrombie/Banana Republic/Cheesecake Factory/Sephora/Barneys/Apple/Eddie Bauer/Brooks Brothers Town.
I see this as an opportunity for personal growth in getting along with people, especially women. In my real world the people I know are bohemian, earthy, acerbic, witty, creative, artsy and outrageous. My new work world is not like that. I feel that my challenge will be in honing my skill at interpersonal relationships. I have always been a square peg in a round hole, even among the boho crowd. I'm good with that. However, I am concerned about workplace relationships. The woman who hired me is lovely. I'm not worried about my boss, I'm worried about getting along with co-workers, all women.
I want to fit in, without fitting in, if you know what I mean. Already I am trying to squelch my internal critical dialogue of what I observe around me. I am also blessed (I guess) with the ability to see scenarios as they really are and to see people as they really are, i.e., I'm perceptive. Sometimes this makes me judgmental and I internalize that dialogue. I am now in an environment where my wry observations, sardonic wit and sarcastic barbs would most definitely not be well received.
I can control myself, no problem. My challenge is to learn to internalize acceptance of what I find to be icky: namely, entitled, outer-ring suburban McMansion, probably racist, certainly Republican (that is the demographic of the area), greedy, hypocritical and clueless. See, already I'm sounding harsh. How do I stop?
I really appreciate this job, even though the hours and wages are meager, because I believe it is giving me a valuable opportunity in navigating interpersonal relationships, including honing the art of diplomacy. These would be skills that I could apply in many different places for the rest of my life. How do I not fuck it up?
The Outsider
Dear Outsider,
They'll assume you're one of them until you bring in a painting.
So don't bring in a painting. Keep the paintings in the trunk of your normal automobile, which they've seen you drive up in.
Don't pose as normal, though. Pose as eccentric in a normal automobile. If you pose as normal they'll know right off you're weird. If you pose as eccentric but they see the normal automobile, they will believe the normal automobile.
You can't fake normal.
It may be idiocy but it's a finely calibrated idiocy you cannot fake. Look at Sarah Palin.
They've got too much experience. They're like native French speakers.
It would be better if you rode bulls and drove stock cars. But your eccentricities can work. You can pose as the rebel insider.
You can do this easily. Just pretend. Keep in mind that you don't have to hide everything; some of your activities will seem interesting to them until they learn enough to be confused.
Because you don't belong, you're going to work hard to appear to belong. Because you are skilled at appearing to belong, and because you are analytical and thoughtful, and because you know you are an outsider, you may appear to belong more than those who actually do belong.
This is the drama of the outsider.
Your difference makes a difference. But the difference to them is not as great as the difference to you.
You think they notice but they don't. You think they know because to you it's so friggin' obvious. But they have not been issued a clue. They were not issued a clue and are not aware that a clue is available free on the Internet or at any public library.
So they will be astonished to find you're not staying for life. "Oh, but you fit in so well here!" your boss will say, giving unconscious voice to the doubts that were there all along.
You will be mystified by their inability to see through your ruse.
One danger in giving this performance of fitting in is that you may appear weak. Someone may try to manipulate or bully you. That's where the bull-riding story comes in. Or the story where you slit someone's throat. Or a cop in the family. Some drama of throat-slitting or bull-riding will be a prophylaxis. It will sound eccentric, but since it's violent, it's permitted. That's also where protection comes in.
Did I mention this is prison?
In prison you find a buddy. Figure out who has the power and make that person your buddy. Then, even if they do figure out that you don't belong there, you'll be protected.
What? You want more advice?
- Read more Cary Tennis in the Since You Asked directory.
- See what others are saying and/or join the conversation in the Table Talk forum.
- Ask for advice. Letter writers: Please think carefully! By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure. If you are not sure, sleep on it. You can always send tomorrow. Ready? OK, Submit your letter for publication.
- Or, just make a comment to Cary Tennis not for publication.
- Or, send a letter to Salon's editors not for publication.
Shares