Dear Cary,
I fell in love with an amazing, complicated man. He has a young child with an ex and he was living in the United States illegally. And he had a girlfriend. We became friends gently, over a long period of time. I've never had such an intense attraction, but we stayed away from it for a year. It finally broke, and our mutual feelings got stronger despite all best efforts.
Then after sleeping together for several months, he showed up at my doorstep and told me his relationship had ended. I couldn't believe it, but I put the brakes on. Things were too intense and he needed space to get his life in order. We stopped sleeping together. Then he told me he had to leave the country, since he was here illegally.
He left. He wrote to me how much he missed me. Then, as quickly as he left, he returned. Within weeks he got back together with his ex and married her. I know he did this because he needs to be in the United States to be close to his child.
But he also started sleeping with me again, even more often than before. He took care of me, helping me around my apartment, and we spent more time together. Then he told me he loved me, that he made a mistake marrying her and that in a few years when he has his green card, we can be together.
I feel like he would do anything to stay close to his son, and it's selfish that he's using her and me.
This whole situation has broken my heart. Part of me wants to tell his wife, since she's only 27 and they've been married for six weeks. I feel like he's treating her so badly. But I always knew he was with her -- she didn't have that knowledge, and she married him. I don't want this to continue for years, and for her to find out much later.
Maybe it's not my business to tell her, but I feel like I would not want to be in her position. I know that by telling her, I will also be ending things for myself with him. Also, I went through a rough breakup at 26 -- but it was best because I still had time to get my life in order. The sooner she sees what he's capable of, the better it is for her.
I can't believe I'm considering this, but I feel like it's what I should do.
Lost
Dear Lost,
You want to help his wife?
I think what would help his wife is for you to stop sleeping with her husband.
I suggest you quietly and firmly break off your relationship with this man. Then suggest that he tell her.
It's up to him. He could tell her that he was having an affair and he's ended it and he could commit to putting the marriage on a new, honest footing. He could be honest with her. He could tell her that he's had an eye for other women but he's through with that. He could tell her his son matters most to him, and that he's going to stay in the marriage and love her as best he can, and raise his son, and live here legally.
But it's up to him. At some point, if he keeps fooling around, it could be argued that someone should tell her. If he can't stop fooling around with other women then his wife and child are both in jeopardy and she has the right to know. But still I don't think you're the person to tell her. It should be someone with no interest in the matter and no history.
Did you notice that you were sleeping with him as long as he had a girlfriend? Then when he broke up with her, you put the brakes on. Then when he married you resumed your affair. So you may have motives that are hidden from you. So, as I say, even if it becomes clear in the future that she deserves to be told, you would not be the best one to tell her.
Just end it. End it and let him decide what he's going to do. Strongly suggest that he tell his wife and set things straight. But don't step in and tell her yourself.
Maybe years later when his residency status is resolved and he can provide for his son, maybe he will want to divorce her and he will call you. I hope you do not wait for him. He's made his choice already.
You know what I think you should do? I think you should find an unmarried man who lives in the country legally, and suggest coffee.
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