Craig Mazin, Senator Ted Cruz's college roommate and number one troll, took to Twitter (@clmazin) Friday to express his feelings about Senator Cruz's announcement that he would vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Mazin, a screenwriter credited with writing parts II and III of "The Hangover" movies as well as most recently "The Huntsman: Winter's War," roomed with the senator during his freshman year at Princeton.
It was just two months ago at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland that Cruz, who dropped out of the Republican primary in May, dramatically refused to endorse Trump as the nominee, instead urging delegates and voters to "vote your conscience."
And while his tweets are in reverse chronological order, Mazin has luckily numbered them for your convenience in understanding his ex-roommates thought process:
1) Okay, a lot of people are mystified by Ted Cruz's apparent upcoming endorsement of Donald Trump. I am not. Let me explain. — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
2) Unfortunately, this requires you to spend some time in Ted's head. I apologize for that... but hey, it's not as bad as living with him. — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
3) To understand why Ted is doing this, first make sure to begin every thought with "I am supposed to be President." — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
4) It goes like this. "I'm supposed to be President (ISTBP), so I will run for President." — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
5) "ISTBP so I will draft behind the front-runner and suck up to Trump in order to help winnow the field." — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
6) "ISTBP so now that the field is narrowed, I will begin to attack Trump, regardless of how hypocritical that looks." — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
7) "ISTBP so even though I lost, I must present myself as the Trump alternative. I will be rewarded for pretending to have principles." — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
8) "ISTBP so I have to make sure I get re-elected to the Senate. My anti-Trump stand is now threatening that. I must endorse him." — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
9) Note: *none* of this has to do with honor. Or principles. Or belief. Or standing up for his wife. Or his father. It is all a calculation. — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
10) Of COURSE you're all confused by it... but Ted Cruz isn't like you. He has one weapon: calculation. He has one goal: be President. — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
11) Of course, his nature has blinded him to the truth: there's practically no one left for him to fool. Ted Cruz has defeated himself. /end — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 23, 2016
*Drops mic.*
And if this 12-part narrative of Senator Cruz as a spineless opportunist hasn't made you giggle, these classic Craig tweets from the primaries are sure to make make you smirk:
Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to "stimulate their genitals." I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his. — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 13, 2016
Trump or Cruz. Herpes or Cruz. Sun Blows Up or Cruz. The answer is always "The one that isn't Cruz." https://t.co/2Ul7RdbF5V — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 7, 2016
and finally...
Ted Cruz is not the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer actually got things done. https://t.co/HR7Df53Aje — Craig Mazin (@clmazin) February 26, 2016
Burn.
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