Stephen Colbert isn't one for deep dives, but Thursday night on "The Late Show," the host ripped into House Republicans over the dysfunctional, combative hearing in which FBI agent Peter Strzok was questioned extensively in front of the House Judiciary Committee, with digs into both his credibility and his judgement. Colbert dedicated his entire opening monologue to the battle in Congress Thursday.
"It was a parliamentary smackdown. The Capitol dome became the Thunderdome," Colbert began. "And it’s all during the testimony of FBI agent and man thinking about Cold Stone Creamery, Peter Strzok. Back in 2016, Strzok was part of the FBI’s investigations into both Hillary Clinton and the Trump campaign. and since then it’s come out that he exchanged anti-Trump text messages with his mistress, an FBI lawyer, saying things like: 'God Hillary should win. 100,000,000-0'; 'Trump is a f—ing idiot'; and 'WHAT THE F— HAPPENED TO OUR COUNTRY??!?!'"
The audience roared and cheered at the text messages and Colbert replied slyly: "I don’t know, but hopefully Robert Mueller will tell us soon."
"Now, Republicans see these texts as proof of a vast conspiracy within the FBI to stop Donald Trump from being elected president," he added. "And here’s how devious, how deep they went in order to keep it a secret: they let him get elected president."
But Strzok was on the attack, too and "right from his opening statement, Strzok came out swinging," Colbert said. He then played a clip of Strzok criticizing the hearing, saying, "I have the utmost respect for Congress' oversight role, but I strongly believe today’s hearing is just another victory notch in Putin’s belt."
"After the last two years, I’m not sure Putin has any belt left. It’s all notch at this point," Colbert quipped.
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One of the best moment of the monologue was when Colbert imitated the grilling of Strzok’s text messages. South Carolina congressman Trey Gowdy, who Colbert described as a "Supercuts vampire," read Strzok’s texts in the hearing, which were full of short-hand, slang and expletives. "Trump is a disaster," and "Oh em gee, this is effing terrifying," Gowdy said aloud. Colbert imagined next, he'd say, "'WTF bae, this guy’s thirsty af, it’s lit fidget spinner, hashtag Ken Bone.'"
But the pinnacle was Colbert's re-enactment of a massive blow-up between committee chair Republican Bob Goodlatte and Democrat Jerrold Nadler, who shouted at each other in a back and forth manner that can only be summed up as petty. Colbert took his turn at it:
"Uh, uh, point of order."
"The point of order is not taken, well taken."
"Point of order, and you must take my point of order and you must take it well."
"Subsequent point of order not taken!"
"Point of order pursuant to the previous point of order regarding the wellness of its taken-i-tude."
"The gentlemen will yield all of his points and all of his orders!"
"I appeal the pointed-ness of that order unto the objection, which I am holding in contempt of previous orders and points!"
"I appeal your appeal. Everything you appeal bounces off me and appeals onto you!"
"New point of order: the chair will recognize that you’re a big dumb stupid-head!"
"The chair will not recognize your point, because this is what you look like: durrr!"
"Point of order: f— you!"
"Point of order: no, f— you!"
It's worthy to watch the monologue in full, but needless to say, Colbert got so into his interpretation of the shouting match, that he had to check his pulse afterwards.
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