Excerpted from "The Ultimate Guide to Bondage" by Mistress Couple (Cleis Press, 2018). Reprinted with permission of Cleis Press.
No matter who we are or where we come from, we all share the same first bondage experience—being bound within the safe confines of the womb, literally tethered to our mothers via the umbilical cord. While it might not be very sexy to think about bondage in this context, doing so explains a lot about why people enjoy the sensations of restraint and encasement.
Floating in the cushion of amniotic fluid inside the uterus, we are all informed by our senses. As early as eleven weeks into pregnancy, we, as fetuses, develop the sensation of touch, and we begin to explore the boundaries of our own bodies and the womb that encapsulates us. Ultrasound scans taken during this time show babies “touching their buttocks, holding onto the umbilical cord, turning and walking up and down the amniotic sac wall on the inside,”15 according to Heidelise Als, associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and Children’s Hospital Boston. We are not still and quiet in the womb as many believe; on the contrary, we exist to explore the variety of sensations that life has to offer.
Als believes that fetuses use touch to both soothe and...
“Fetuses are laying down their own cortical networks in the brain. . . . When babies are born prematurely . . . you will see these little preemies trying to bring their hands together or bring their hands to their face, or lay them over their head and their ear. . . . They search, literally, with their feet to try to find a boundary.”16
What we learn from these poor little preemie babies (I was one of them!) is that knowing where our boundaries are is soothing to us. The cute feeling that expecting mothers often describe as the baby kicking might actually be the baby trying to locate and hold boundaries. An overly firm touch on a pregnant belly is known to cause the baby to move away or stick out their arm as if to hold a boundary. Likewise, a delicate or gentle touch creates a reaction that seems to welcome the sensation across the boundary. From the moment that we learn to feel, boundaries become incredibly important to us. We identify the boundaries of our own skin and the lush space that envelops us. This is the beginning of our adventure with bondage.
Other senses such as taste and hearing are developed and honed within the womb. These senses contribute to emotional bonding with the outside world, by allowing us to hear the voices of our parents, taste the foods our mother is eating, and grow accustomed to sensations that we will experience once we’ve entered the world. We will look for the familiar to soothe us once we’ve left the womb. The environment inside the womb is so perfect for an unborn child that it influences our preferences for the rest of our lives.
When our mother’s water breaks, the membrane that holds the amniotic fluid that we were floating in ruptures. This signal that the baby is coming is also the destruction of the world as we knew it. Our first boundary disappears in a flash, and we are squeezed through a tight canal, out into the open world. Our reward for entering this brand-new terrain? The umbilical cord that carried oxygen and nutrients to us inside the womb, the literal tie to our mothers, is cut. In doing so, we break free from the boundaries of our mother’s body and create a new physical boundary of our own. What an exciting day!
To aid with the overwhelming sensation of being in a completely new environment, and the loss of connection to our mothers, we are swaddled in blankets or clothes. This helps to mimic the sensation of being inside the womb, keeping us calm and warm. Most babies love to be swaddled, but the ones that don’t still enjoy being held tightly by their parents. Being held by our parents, touched, fed, and cared for constitute emotional bonding. Even though the physical bonds no longer exist between us and our mothers, feeling their skin against ours is incredibly soothing for us both and allows for us to grow closer together.17
When you think about it in this context, you can see why simply even coming into existence is related to bondage. We break free from our physical bonds to become our own people, and once we do, we seek the comfort and safety that we experienced within the womb. Emotional bonds with loved ones help to provide that for us until we are old enough to start seeking out those sources of comfort on our own. No wonder so many of us enjoy practicing restraint with our lovers! Whether we are conscious of it or not, it reminds us of our wombic experience and provides the comfort that we’ve sought since coming into the world.
Recreating the wombic experience through restraint
Just as mothers create life by delivering children from the confines of their bodies into the open air, we can give birth to new ideas, experiences, and levels of understanding through our exploration of bondage. The theme of drawing thoughts and feelings that are buried deep inside us out into the light where we can see them is a recurring one in the exploration of bondage. As adults, we don’t often have the opportunities to express our innermost feelings and desires. In many cases, we become unaware of them because we live in an age when business and distraction are lauded and held above self-exploration. People are constantly on the go, buzzing from one activity to the next, rarely stopping to smell the flowers. However, when the body is restrained or controlled through discipline, the mind becomes free to explore.
Similar to the confines of the womb, restraint though bondage devices forces us to determine the boundaries of our bodies. It’s a particularly useful mindfulness tool in erotic contexts because it affects our sense of proprioception, or the awareness of where all of our body parts are in relation to one another, and to the world. This is our first step toward recreating the wombic experience. Proprioception is the reason you know where your right pinkie toe is right now even though you aren’t looking at it or touching it. It is also the reason that you can walk, tie your shoes, type, or drive a car. In fact, proprioception contributes to committing actions to muscle memory, thus making tasks that once required concentration feel like they’ve been “programmed” into your body over time. Erotic play, like these other activities, requires the use of the body in ways that can take some getting used to.
Traditional intercourse, for example, might feel uncomfortable at first but with repetition becomes an activity that can be enjoyed without worrying about the mechanics. However, unlike tying your shoes, actions becoming second nature during erotic play can set someone back. This is because erotic play is usually more enjoyable if you’re aware of what your body is feeling, and that is where restraint comes into play.
Restraint can highlight the limitations of the body by restricting movement of body parts that are usually able to move freely, or simply by providing sensory awareness to where the boundaries of the body are in space. When you are bound, you are held. Skin is no longer the outermost layer that contains you. The sensation of rope, leather, or other bondage tools on the skin informs you about the new rules and restrictions that have been set. They control your reality and act as an extension of the dominant partner who has dreamed up your new landscape. Sound familiar? Practicing restraint allows us to revisit the process of creation in an erotic context, and unlike when we are in the womb, it allows us to be in control of our own experience.
Sensory awareness can also be explored through restraint. The sensation of pressure that is produced by bondage invokes the sensations we experienced by floating in the amniotic fluid, being squeezed through the birth canal, and being swaddled and rocked by our caretakers. The sensation of pressure on our skin or bodies is known to trigger the release of the mood-enhancing neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine.18 In other words, it soothes us and makes us feel good. The “restraint” or deprivation of other senses such as sight or hearing can also provide pleasurable results. When one sense is dampened, the mind relies more heavily upon the others, making the input from those senses more noticeable than usual. As such, restraint affects the physical body in two ways; it introduces new sensations and heightens others. In a process similar to the sensory learning that occurs within the womb, one’s physical experience informs the mental one. Paying attention to these new and unusual sensations and how they affect our psychological/emotional landscapes can be incredibly rich and fulfilling opportunities for discovery.
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