Is it possible that my body is physically designed to not be able to comfortably experience anal sex? I’ve had 2 wonderful partners I’ve tried to engage in anal sex with, but the pain was so extreme with each partner every time, it literally felt like something was definitely going to tear/rip. With both partners we engaged in very thorough foreplay that included anal play - orally, with fingers, and smaller plugs. I was able to very much enjoy that, although sometimes intense. However even with prior play, lots of lubricant, and both my partner and I being VERY much in the mood for it, when they enter, the pain is so beyond what I can tolerate.. and I had kidney stones when 8 months pregnant and an epidural that didn’t work during pregnancy, so I feel I can handle some pain! Is it possible my body is shaped differently that I can’t handle anything too big without ripping, or hurting beyond any sense of pleasure?
Hi Butt Stuf...
Before you read any further, I want you to take a moment and thank your body. Close your eyes, put your hands on your belly, and breathe. Your body is so capable and it has protected you and navigated you through so many experiences! You made a baby in that body and have loved in that body and have been through so much in that body. Take a moment to say thank you.
From this place of compassion and holding space for your body exactly as it is right now — not wanting to change or shift it in any way that isn’t going to ultimately serve you — we can get right into the good ‘ol butt stuff. There’s many things that could be going on here, and we’ll have to do a bit more digging to figure out what. As someone who’s not particularly well-versed in the anal sphere myself, I turned to experts who know the back hole much better than I do.
Let’s address what seems to be your primary concern — that your body is different than everyone else’s. First of all, yes, yes it is! Your body is special and unique and carries with it all the experiences it has lived with you through, however your body probably isn’t that different from the rest of us, anatomically speaking. As far as your body not being designed to pleasurably accommodate something up your butt, it’s important to remember that the anal sphincter is a muscle that needs to be relaxed in order to accomodate anything. “Slow and steady wins the race,” New York-based OB/GYN Dr. Angela Jones told me when I presented her your conundrum just in case there was some condition I’d never heard about. “Sounds like she is on the way to a great experience, the operative phrase here being, ‘on the way.’ Foreplay, check...LOTS of lube, check. Slow, steady dilation — let’s start here. Fingers, plugs, and then penis?!? Sounds like quite a jump! This might be a good opportunity to employ dilators so that she can more gradually ease into accommodating a penis.”
Alicia Sinclair, founder and CEO of award-winning butt plug company, b-vibe, agrees. “The anal sphincter — your b-hole — is a strong, double ringed muscle,” she told me. “Properly preparing it for penetration — and pleasure — is a process that can take anywhere from a week to a month. It truly depends on each person’s body, but giving your body the time to get used to having something go inside [of it] will ultimately result in a ton of pleasure.” This preparing-for-penetration process has a name — anal training!
She suggests playing with yourself first, and exploring sensations on your own, before playing with a partner — just like you may have masturbated first on your own to figure out how you liked your vulva touched, or what felt good in your vagina.
“The best way to prep your body is by starting with a small plug and gradually working your way to a medium and then large size plug,” she says. “You may want to try using each plug for a week, before moving on to the next size. It’s much better to go slow — and I like to suggest wearing a plug around the house for an hour each evening. This is an awesome time to masturbate — simply place a vibrator on your clitoris, and you’ll be pretty amazed at how much you might enjoy the fullness from the plug.” The b-vibe site has tons of really amazing educational resources for navigating anal play, and the company just launched an Anal Training Kit that might be helpful during this process.
When I spoke with Dr. Angela, she inquired about your positioning when engaging in anal penetration, and although she suggests you may feel more control if you’re “on top,” she recommends a trip to your ob/gyn regardless, to make sure that medically there isn’t anything else going on, such as anal fissures or internal hemorrhoids. “Kidney stones rate among the most significant pains humans can experience,” she told me, “so if she is saying that anal is hurting that badly, I’d have an exam to ensure that everything is as it should be prior to another attempt.”
So anal training, positioning, and a trip to the doctor’s — sounds like a solid and well-informed plan. But what if what’s going on isn’t just purely physical?
A common misconception is that our bodies exist separately from the rest of us, when in fact our bodies are the expression and manifestation of all that’s moving inside of us. I have dyspareunia —, at least, I think do. I haven’t been formally diagnosed because none of the doctors I’ve seen have been able to tell me what’s wrong, namely because they don’t see anything wrong. For the last two years, simply inserting a tampon has been absolutely excruciating, so you can imagine how not fun sexual penetration has been. My body-brain connection starts freaking out, and a mental pattern forms as the idea of sex itself becomes horrible and super scary — because like, who wants to feel like their vagina is being scrubbed with sand paper from the inside? I feel a raw, burning sensation that’s so intense I can’t help but gently scream. Like you, I know what pain is and I can take a lot of it. This feels different.
I was in a monogamous partnership for a few years, right after I experienced deep sexual trauma. At the beginning of our relationship, I was fine, like I’d always been. Six months later, I couldn’t be touched. I wanted to be penetrated, I was excited by my partner and loved them, so why wouldn’t my body respond? The dissonance made no sense. I felt so broken — sometimes I still do. I now know it’s just my body’s way of responding to the trauma that my body’s memory holds, even though its expression feels like my flesh being ripped open. I’ve been doing lots of work, especially in the last year, to hold space for myself existing as I do, and through that, I’ve been able to heal a lot of my body. I now occasionally wear tampons (although I prefer LunaPads period underwear), and if I use lots of lube, penetration can actually be really pleasurable sometimes.
Because of my personal journey navigating the mind-body connection during sex, I asked Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, to explain some of the psychological factors that may be contributing to your pain. You shared that you had kidney stones and a childbirth without the pain medication that you had planned for, and it’s these bits of information specifically that stick out to Dr. Holly.
“The pain from kidney stones is some of the worst reported in medical journals, but I believe it was the failed epidural that may be the biggest contributing factor to her roadblocks with anal sex,” Dr. Holly told me. “She chose to address her pain, and the epidural failed. She had to endure it anyway.” You reframed the experience — ”I can handle some pain!” — so you know that your body is strong and capable, but going through that experience in childbirth wasn’t a choice you made. “Just like we have muscle memory from exercising, our body has neural memory from traumatic experiences,” says Dr. Holly. “In other words, her body did not consent, and now it’s saying “f*ck this” to anything it perceives as painful. Her body is scared, clamping down and protecting itself.”
She suggests thinking with your body, instead of your (awesome, sex-positive) logic. What’s your body communicating to you? What’s it saying that you cannot? Even though you’ve been through some real physically painful experiences, she believes you’ll totally be able to experience everything you want. “Her body is asking for acceptance of what it has been through, as well as for respect of its process, including the time it needs to open up in a new, exciting way.”
Basically, there’s lots more exploring for you to do, and having compassion for your body throughout the journey is the first step. It’s so dope that you’re wanting to explore all the ways in which your body gives you pleasure, but remember that it’s okay if you try some things and they don’t feel great. You can keep exploring anal penetration (just go to the doctor first, just in case!), but ultimately, if you decide it’s not for you, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less sexy, adventurous, or deserving. For so long I felt stuck and stagnant because vaginal penetration hurt me — who would want to date me? How would anyone find me attractive? Not only has this process shown me how many other ways there are to pleasure my body, but it’s also shown me that I am no less worthy of affection or love because of it. There are plenty of people (cis straight men included) that would love to date me, and the more I feel comfortable in my own body and in my own experience, the sexual pain becomes less and less a part of my identity, almost sent into irrelevance.
I am not healed yet, but I’m getting there, and it all started with turning to myself first and being okay with where I was at, knowing I deserved the world regardless. So now I turn to you. Work on being okay with where you’re at. Love who you are while you’re there, and from this place of acceptance continue exploring and being open to all the beautiful experiences your body will move through with you. My entire perspective began to shift once I realized that yes, for me sex can be very overwhelming sometimes, but there’s also so many ways to have it that don’t have to be scary or painful for me. Sex can be fun!
Keep moving towards what feels fun to you, towards what keeps exciting you and bringing you to your edge of discovery — whether that’s just by yourself or with partners. It’s clear how much you’re open to exploring, me and the experts over here have no doubt you’ll figure out all the ways that make you feel good.
Have questions about sex, love, and relationships? Send them to Arielle@Salon.com.
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By Arielle Egozi
Arielle Egozi is a writer, speaker, and Instagrammer (@ladysavaj) who gets asked a lot about sex, periods and social justice. She's the co-founder of Bread, a data-fueled creative lab bringing diverse representation to advertising.
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