If there's one thing we know for sure, it's that Ghostface never really truly dies. Six "Scream" movies so far have made it clear that even if the man or woman under the mask is dead, there's always someone else waiting to pick up the knife and terrorize Woodsboro natives. Some of them have better reasons than others, but there are a few things they all have in common. 1) They stab a lot more people than they actually kill. 2) They're freakishly obsessed with movie tropes. 3) They love to put on a show.
The question is which killer(s) put on the best show, which therefore made the best movie? It's obvious (and stated on screen over and over again) that there's no beating the original – created by Kevin Williamson and directed by Wes Craven – but after that, the answer gets murkier. All of the "Scream" movies manage to be both great and stupid at the same time, and none of them are straight up terrible, which is an impressive feat over almost 30 years and six movies. So even as I attempt to rip each of the films apart and judge them by their bloodied guts, just know it's all a labor of love (and hatred of Gale's "Scream 3" bangs).
Obviously, there are some important aspects of any "Scream" movie to consider. The opening scene is vital to the tone of the movie (and often iconic on its own), and I'm also looking at the reveal of the killer and the explanation for those kills, as well as the gravity of the deaths. Did important characters actually die, and do we care? And finally, was the movie fun to watch overall? Each of those categories gets a score, and a total out of 40 that will help determine the true order of "Scream" movies.
Now, for the definitive ranking, from worst to best:
Melissa Berrera in "Scream 6" (Paramount Pictures)The newest Scream installment is very much the "Scream 2" of the new generation (which may offer a hint as to where "Scream 2" sits on this list). It was way higher in the ranking until I started rewatching and realized that while it might be very fun, it's also sort of mediocre. Why make a big deal about Ghostface in New York when you simply filmed in Canada? The brief moment where it feels like Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) could be the killer is thrilling, but in the end, the truth is just sort of annoying. Plus, I cannot forgive the lack of Sidney Prescott, even if I can respect the character's decision to sit this one out. 6/10
Opening Scene: A date between film professor Samara Weaving and a mysterious app man turns deadly when Ghostface lures her into an alley and kills her, only to immediately remove the mask. We then learn that it'ss the work of two college kids who want to finish the movie brainchild of Richie Kirsch (Jack Quaid from "Scream 5"), only to be killed by the real new Ghostface. New York barely even has alleyways, but the killer twist is solid. 7/10
Killer Reveal: Surprise, it's Richie's family! While the random roommate and random new friend are more noticeable in hindsight, Dermot Mulroney as "dramatic detective with sad backstory" really can't disguise his murderous glee for a single line reading. Richie's family is sad that Richie got killed in self-defense after only being a light murderer in "Scream 5" and somehow I can't feel bad for them. However, points for adding a third Ghostface and making us believe the roommate was dead. 6/10
Gravity: In the end, the only actually dead person we care about is Anika (Devyn Nekoda), Mindy's girlfriend. Everyone else miraculously survives being practically gutted, which is great, but does take some of the impact away. 5/10
Total: 24/40
Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett-Smith in "Scream 2" (Paramount Pictures)This might be a surprise placement, but "Scream 2" really gets lost when you look at the franchise as a whole. It holds up in terms of the tropes of the first film and features several very fun surprise late-'90s guests, but the ending doesn't hit as hard as other endings do. As Sidney points out, the murderer's motive is just a bit too hypocritical, and college is always a tough setting. 6/10
Opening Scene: Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett Smith get butchered during a rowdy screening of a "Stab" movie. It's . . . fine. 6/10
Killer Reveal: It's Billy Loomis' mom, annoying journalist Debbie Salt (Laurie Metcalf), and accomplice Mickey (Timothy Olyphant). She's getting revenge for her son, who became a murderer because his mother abandoned him. Meh. 5/10
Gravity: Randy's death, in broad daylight, should never be forgotten, and Sarah Michelle Gellar's sacrifices in the halls of a sorority house should always be honored. 8/10
Total: 25/40
Neve Campbell in Wes Craven's "Scream 3" (Joseph Viles/ Dimension Films/Getty)Ghostface goes to Hollywood for the third installment, terrorizing the set of "Stab 3" and forcing Sidney out of hiding for another devastating reveal about her mother's past that really ties the first and third movies together into a nice little bow, with "Scream 2" nestled in between. It's better than you remember it being, but it loses a point for Gale's hair. 7/10
Opening Scene: Goodbye Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber). It should be easier to feel sorry for the guy falsely accused of Maureen Prescott's murder, but he didn't make it easy, which takes the punch out of his and his girlfriend's death. 5/10
Killer Reveal: Roman Bridger (Scott Foley), the "Stab 3" director who is actually Maureen Prescott's secret firstborn. In the two years she tried to be an actress, she was raped by horror producer John Milton, and she gave up the resulting baby and refused to acknowledge him when he later tracked her down. Roman wants the fame that Sidney had, and actually is the one who got Billy Loomis to kill Maureen in the first place, orchestrating the entire franchise. He is a director, after all. 9/10
Gravity: Other than Cotton, the deaths are all random actors playing actors, but they do actually die. Plus, there's something touching about the way that Sidney holds Roman's hand as he dies. They're siblings, and while it's his fault that he committed a bunch of murders, the way he was born and raised was most certainly not his fault. 6/10
Total: 27/40
Jenna Ortega in "Scream 5" (Paramount Pictures)Upon first viewing, this annoyingly titled "requel" is so very obvious, but upon rewatch, it's clear that the movie knows this. It knows that simply titling itself "Scream" is stupid. It knows that the killers are not a clever twist. Dewey calls them out immediately, and it just sucks that the newbies don't listen to him. But "Scream (5)" is still filled with twists, from the opening scene in which Jenna Ortega does not die to the fact that there are two new Sidney Prescotts with a killer connection to Billy Loomis. Sam (Melissa Barrera) is his secret daughter, born of an affair with another high school classmate, and Tara (Ortega) is the half sister that Sam left behind when she found out the truth. This movie also makes the boldest move of all by killing Dewey (David Arquette), the lovably dopey cop previously deemed unkillable. 8/10
Opening Scene: With help from her app that lets her lock and unlock all her doors, Jenna Ortega fights Ghostface in her kitchen . . . and wins. While she gets stabbed multiple times, she recovers in the hospital, marking the first time someone has survived the opening scene in a "Scream" movie. 8/10
Killer Reveal: Richie Kirsch (Jack Quaid) and Amber Freeman (Mikey Madison) are angry "Stab" fans who want to give the franchise source material for a reboot. Kinda stupid, but upsettingly current and perfect for reviving a franchise in the present day. 8/10
Gravity: "Scream 5" really goes for it, killing off Dewey and Sheriff Hicks (Marley Shelton), as well as Hicks' son Wes (Dylan Minnette). Wes gets a memorial party, and Dewey's death makes Gale sob uncontrollably. Brutal, but maybe necessary in a world where Ghostface's stabbings are only sometimes successful. 8/10
Total: 32/40
Emma Roberts in "Scream 4" (Dimension Films)Reviving a franchise more than a decade after its last installment is not easy and is usually a very bad idea, but "Scream 4" manages to be the gold standard. It's just so much better than anyone thought it was going to be, and works incredibly well as a lone wolf in between two (presumed) trilogies. The killer has nothing to do with Billy Loomis or Sidney's mom and everything to do with Sidney's fame and notoriety in the wake of the murders, and the movie itself has fun messing up the patterns created by the first three while still very much feeling like a "Scream" movie. 9/10
Opening Scene: How many mid-aughts stars can we fit into one opening scene? Lucy Hale, Shenae Grimes, Kristen Bell, Anna Paquin, Aimee Teegarden and Britt Robertson take turns dying and occasionally stabbing as characters in a "Stab" movie being watched by other characters in another "Stab" movie, being watched by the characters in "Scream 4," who then get murdered by Ghostface. It's brilliant. 9/10
Killer Reveal: Sidney's cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) revives Ghostface with accomplice Charlie (Rory Culkin), planning to kill Sidney and make herself look like the last victim standing. She almost gets away with it, but she clearly doesn't know who she's messing with. No one survives trying to kill Sidney Prescott. 9/10
Gravity: Something about this movie just feels really personal. Jill is murdering her friends for fame because she's jealous of her cousin, and it's so close to working. The impact is lessened by the fact that "Scream 4" has no direct sequel, but still chilling. 7/10
Total: 34/40
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Drew Barrymore in "Scream" (Paramount Pictures)As argued by characters in the movies themselves, there's nothing better than the original. The 1996 sleeper hit manages to both critique and deconstruct the slasher film genre while also providing the perfect example of one, with a fantastic opening misdirect that brutally kills off the movie's biggest star and a relatively straightforward explanation of who the killers are and why. It's a classic for a reason, and probably the scariest of the bunch. 10/10
Opening Scene: There's a reason Casey Becker (Drew Barrymore) is still a popular Halloween costume. The movie brutally kills off its biggest star in its first 10 minutes, making it clear that you should expect the unexpected when it comes to "Scream." 10/10
Killer Reveal: Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich) and his goofy friend Stu (Matthew Lillard) are not just Ghostface, but they also kill Sidney's mother and frame Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber) for the crime. Billy's father, you see, was having an affair with Sid's mother, and it drove his mother away. As for Stu? Peer pressure. 9/10
Gravity: In a list of "Scream's" greatest kills, the death of Tatum (Rose McGowan) via garage door would be near the top, and obviously Sidney Prescott never gets over her boyfriend being a serial killer, because who could? 10/10
Total: 39/40
"Scream VI" is currently in theaters.
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