The 6 worst tech fails in 2023

If you want to know what the opposite of “planned obsolescence” looks like in tech, then all you’ve had to do for the last 20 years in look up at the sky and watch the International Space Station pass overhead. 

 

A symbol of hope for international academic cooperation, and NASA’s long-running bet on a future where scientific pursuits are for the purpose of knowledge and species-wide benefit as opposed to military supremacy — the decision to kill the ISS and watch it (at least partially) crash into the sea was a psychological uppercut with the same relative force and momentum as watching Old Yeller get shot. 

 

NASA, we didn’t need that L this year. Why couldn’t you just tell us that you were sending the ISS to live on a farm upstate? At the very least, can you please just hit the brakes on the nightmarish pursuit of a future where space exploration is relegated solely to private companies who vampirically slurp up publicly-funded scientific research?

 

If not, no worries. Just thought I’d ask because sometimes I don’t know if you still love us or not, and I’m tired of seeing you outsource our relationship to a third-party like Elon. I know you’re busy and could use the help but it just doesn’t feel believable when he says “of course, I still love you.”

 

Maybe I wouldn’t be the first person to describe twin wet baguettes Mark Zuckerburg and Elon Musk as Faulknerian idiot man-children, but if that old chestnut is still worth using about anyone then surely it’s Silicon Valley’s fortunate sons. 

 

I’d normally find it unfathomably adorable if a seemingly emotionless nerd spent the whole summer sweating his nips off building a special backyard “No Girls Allowed!” fort for he and his dumber-but-bigger friend so they could have tickle fights in it, and sip dandelion wine while laying on their backs in the still-warm grass at sunset. I’d weep at the simple, heartbreaking beauty of two neighborhood lads on the edge of innocence, basking in the odd miracle of nature’s reckless splendor amid so much human suffering, filling the guileless expanse of boyhood’s waning hour with voice-cracking giggles late into the night over secret crushes and fart jokes — and finally, in tender whispers beneath the fleeting wink of a comet, promising each that no matter what happens they will always be friends. Forever? Yes, reader, always and forever. 

 

But that’s not what we got. What we got was a couple of insufferable soggy noodles — damp white guys who look like all the carbs they miss eating, threatening to fight each other in a cage match for months on end. We got a couple of moist boys whose billions of dollars and Congressional bill-burying powers still aren’t enough to resolve their individual inferiority complexes — but instead appear to inspire a literal desire to see each other’s genitals. 

 

And if there’s anyone whose genitals should never be seen, it’s two grown men who spend all their time on vacation yet so successfully avoid the sun that it’s less accurate to describe them as white dudes, and more accurate to say they look like a fresh pair of shrimp-stuffed Vietnamese spring rolls that learned to walk upright and hire lobbyists. 

Maybe they didn’t actually end up fighting each other, but they fought their way onto this list fair and square. 

 

The most messed-up thing about the Department of Homeland Security getting exposed for operating a “shady” surveillance program unchecked, is that they have so many other pressing priorities to address that you’d think they’d be a bit busy. Aren’t the DHS supposed to be focused on making sure US infrastructure is secured against the rise in neo-Nazi cyberattacks that has them so “concerned”? 

 

Or how about they help some other agencies take a look at the Fed hacks that happened this year that involved a deeply weird deployment of porn? At the very least, the Securities and Exchange Commission could probably use some help with its exhausting marathon game of Whack-a-Mole that it’s been playing against cryptocurrency launderers. Maybe the DHS could even meet Lindsey Lohan and the other flashy celebs that got sued for shifty crypto fiddling? 

 

If that’s not interesting, maybe DHS could focus more on making sure that the Pentagon’s nuke silos and surrounding local areas are not full of hacker-friendly holes. After all, if the Pentagon is going to keep begging for an entirely new fleet of nuclear weapons more powerful than anything we have ever seen, then I guess someone should make sure some third-party contractors aren’t accidentally leaving the digital barn door open.  

 

The hardest thing to watch in the world of tech aren’t the can’t-look-away moments where massive corporations legally get away with Lex Luther antics, but when you see an ethics titan take a fall. 

 

It was hard to watch Biden’s Federal Communications Commission nominee, Gigi Sohn, get smeared in a homophobic campaign by Right-wing groups. It was even harder to watch most Democrats sit it on their hands and return no campaign punches, leaving her out there to take the hits largely alone. 

 

"As someone who has advocated for my entire career for affordable, accessible broadband for every American, it is ironic that the 2-2 FCC will remain sidelined at the most consequential opportunity for broadband in our lifetimes," Sohn said in her statement. "This means that your broadband will be more expensive for lack of competition.”

 

"It is a sad day for our country and our democracy when dominant industries, with assistance from unlimited dark money, get to choose their regulators. And with the help of their friends in the Senate, the powerful cable and media companies have done just that."

 

Sad day, indeed. They did Gigi dirty, and I hope I'm around to laugh when comeuppance finally arrives for those responsible. Here's hoping FTC Chair Lina Khan keeps fighting the good fight, and that this isn't the last we see of Sohn.