Normalizing separate bedrooms: Here's why you shouldn't feel bad about sleeping apart

Most evenings, I like to get a head start. I kiss my spouse goodnight, put in my earplugs and turn in to bed early. He then comes in a good 30 to 60 minutes later, so that I'm already deeply asleep before he heads off to dreamland — and starts snoring. Because if he wakes me up, I'm going to start tossing and turning, and then neither of us is going to get any rest until one of us winds up on the couch. Sure, we usually sleep together, but we rarely fall asleep together. And we're not so unique.

Earlier this month, Cameron Diaz made headlines — and raised eyebrows — during a conversation on Molly Sims's "Lipstick on the Rim" podcast, when she posited that "We should normalize separate bedrooms." Diaz, who has a three year-old daughter with husband Benji Madden, added, "To me, I would literally, I have my house, you have yours. We have the family house in the middle. I will go and sleep in my room. You go sleep in your room. I’m fine. And we have the bedroom in the middle that we can convene in for our relations." 

Maybe it's not a separate room. Maybe it's a separate bed, or a separate schedule. However it's defined, though, the idea of distinct sleeping arrangements, also known by the doom-laden sobriquet "sleep divorce," sounds like a marital death knell. You can feel the judgment, the implied sense of banishment, in a New York Times story on the subject from just earlier this year. "Is it really because a partner tosses and turns too much?" writer Ronda Kaysen pondered. "Or is that an excuse to avoid talking about bigger problems at home?" One therapist quoted for it gently called the practice a "mild pink flag," whatever that means. Either it's a red flag or it isn't, right? And do we need so much semaphore to understand our relationships?

That same Times story noted that an International Housewares Association survey conducted earlier this year revealed that "One in five couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and almost two thirds of those who do, do so every night." A 2017 study from the Better Sleep Council yielded similar results, with 63% of couples saying they "sleep most of the night separated" and almost 20% saying "their dream home has separate master bedrooms." With one third of us admitting we're not getting enough sleep, is it any wonder that so many Americans would want to minimize our nocturnal disruptions? 

The ideal number of occupants in a bed has evolved over time. Writing in The Conversation, anthropologist and co-author of "What We Did In Bed" Brian Fagan has noted that "For most of human history, people thought nothing of crowding family members or friends into the same bed."

But the modern era brought an appreciation of space as a seemingly healthier option. In the early 20th century, alternative medicine champion Edwin F. Bowers advocated that "Separate beds for every sleeper are as necessary as are separate dishes for every eater. They promote comfort, cleanliness, and the natural delicacy that exists among human beings." Just a few decades later, however, the double, queen and king were reigning supreme. Yet as Wendy M. Troxel PhD, explained for TED back in 2020, "When sleep is measured objectively, people actually sleep worse with a partner." That's not to say that there aren't compelling reasons to konk out with your loved one. It's just, as Cameron Diaz says, it's also okay to normalize needing more space. 

There are a variety of reasons why even a couple who once used to fall asleep contentedly spooning — like my husband and I — now need to regulate their circadian rhythms differently. For starters, there's aging. As we get older, our ability to fall asleep and stay asleep often diminishes. If we're sleeping less and more lightly, another body in the bed can make it all the more challenging. 

Chelsey Borson, a certified health and sleep expert and founder of the baby sleep coaching business Luna Leaps, offers other common causes. "For couples dealing with menopause, sleeping apart can be incredibly helpful. Menopause often brings hot flashes and night sweats, which can disrupt sleep for both partners. Similarly," she says, "snoring can also be a major issue affecting couples' sleep. Snoring can lead to sleep disturbances and even sleep deprivation for both partners." She adds, "Some couples have different work schedules, which can make it challenging to synchronize their sleep patterns." Having separate sleeping spaces, she says, can lead to "more peaceful and uninterrupted sleep, thus improving their overall well-being and energy levels during the day."

Katie McCann, a breastfeeding counselor and founder of From Bump To Bubble, also notes the sleep disruptions of pregnancy and early child rearing. "During pregnancy or postpartum periods, when sleep patterns and comfort needs drastically change, separate sleeping arrangements can ensure better rest for both partners," she says. She adds, "Quality sleep is crucial for maintaining not only physical health but also emotional well-being and relationship health. Lack of sleep can lead to irritability, decreased patience, and impaired communication, which can strain a relationship. Separate sleeping arrangements can actually preserve and enhance intimacy, by allowing partners to be more rested, patient, and emotionally available during their waking hours."

It can even lead to more, not less, sex. "Statistics show that women gaining an extra hour of sleep alone report improved intimacy scores," notes clinical psychologist and Therapy Rooms co-founder Dr Daniel Glazer. "Embracing well-rested independence can lead to feeling more understood and maintaining romance in every chapter of life."

Rod Mitchell, a Calgary psychologist with expertise in relationships and cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, shares a similar point of view. "I believe that separate sleeping arrangements, while seemingly counterintuitive, can actually lead to a stronger bond between partners," he says. "A purposeful switch to a separate bedroom arrangement allows the couple to reflect on the closeness of their relationship and plan out specific steps to maintain intimacy."

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The key, he explains, is making sure you're nurturing the relationship in other ways. He suggests that couples "establish a nightly ritual before retreating to separate bedrooms. This could be a shared activity like reading a book together, discussing the day's highlights, or a simple routine of expressing gratitude and affection." Then, he says, "Start the day with a joint morning routine, such as enjoying coffee together or a brief walk, to reconnect after spending the night apart." And when it feels right, "Consider reserving specific nights, such as weekends, for sharing the same bed. This approach keeps the element of physical intimacy alive while still reaping the benefits of separate sleeping during the work week." 

It can be embarrassing to admit that you rest more easily when the person you love isn't snoozing beside you. But I try to assess my relationship more based on how we treat each other in our waking hours rather than how we behave when we're unconscious. And I can't deny that when I travel, I'm always excited to just starfish out and sleep like the dead all by myself in a big hotel bed. 

Sara C. Mednick, a cognitive neuroscientist and author of "The Power of the Downstate: Recharge Your Life Using Your Body's Own Restorative Systems" reassures me that's all right. "The idea that there's a one size fits all, that we share one bed and that we sleep in this position, that we keep these hours and that we sleep for this amount of time, it's a sort of toxic way of thinking about your own life," she says. "People should understand how personal sleep is. It's a personal space, where you have your own individual needs." And waking or sleeping, she says, "You really just need to figure out what works for you inside the marriage."