The U.S. Surgeon General recently released a report titled Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents. Initially, I felt a wave of relief — finally, an official acknowledgment of the immense stress parents face daily. But as I reflected further, a familiar frustration surfaced. We, as parents, have known this for years. Now, one of the very systems responsible for exacerbating this stress has formally recognized it. But what comes next?
For years, parents have battled a lack of support from both federal and state governments. We live in a country without universal childcare or guaranteed paid family leave, where mental health care remains expensive and inadequately covered. The reality of postpartum depression is often dismissed despite its prevalence, while affordable, accessible care is still not readily available for many women. On top of that, we live in constant fear for our children's safety — fears made real by the lack of meaningful gun control laws.
Reflecting on this, the weight of these systemic shortcomings is undeniable. In countries like Sweden and Denmark, where parents are supported with generous parental leave and accessible childcare, parents face far fewer stressors. By contrast, here in the U.S., where, according to the American Psychological Association, 41 percent of parents are too overwhelmed daily to function, we are told to simply "figure it out." Many parents are working full-time jobs, battling financial insecurity, and trying to be present for their children, all while lacking the fundamental support they need.
We live in a culture that has idealized parenthood while simultaneously shaming parents for every problem their child encounters.
While I appreciate the surgeon general acknowledging some of these issues, as well as the societal pressures that worsen parental stress — such as workplaces hostile to parenthood, especially motherhood, and a culture where it's still taboo to discuss stress — it does little to ease the daily struggles we face right now. Society continues to add to these burdens, leaving parents to carry the weight. Schools pile on homework, extracurricular activities consume evenings, and social media bombards us with comparisons to seemingly perfect families. We're constantly told that if we just work harder or follow the right advice, our children will thrive. But when they don't, who gets the blame? Always the parents.
We live in a culture that has idealized parenthood while simultaneously shaming parents for every problem their child encounters. Parents are criticized from every direction — schools, doctors, parenting books, and social media. I recently saw a psychologist's post suggesting parents who want their kids to excel academically, play sports, or be happy are merely living vicariously through them to compensate for their unfulfilled dreams.
Want more health and science stories in your inbox? Subscribe to Salon's weekly newsletter Lab Notes.
Sure, there are parents like that, but most of us are simply trying to give our children the best chance and the tools to navigate an increasingly chaotic world. We are slapped with labels like "helicopter parents" or "overbearing parents when 74% of parents are legitimately stressed about sending their kids to school because of safety fears including school shootings. Yet society continues to point fingers at the parents rather than addressing the root causes of these stressors or fears. It's as if the world expects us to protect our kids from everything while simultaneously blaming us and denying us the tools to do so.
In fact, I have never felt more picked on in my life than when I became a mother. While I certainly faced challenges as a woman in the workplace, the level of criticism, shame and blame I encountered as a mother was far worse. When my older daughter struggled with separation anxiety at school, I was blamed for it and told that it was a result of my anxiety. Year after year, I was the scapegoat, while it couldn't have possibly been from living in New York City during 9/11 and having to drop her off at school a few days later. When I advocated for her academic ambitions, I was labeled a "tiger mom" when I was merely following her lead. My younger daughter's learning disability went undiagnosed for years, and yet I was told I was being too concerned. It felt like no matter what I did, it was either too much or not enough.
Yes, parents make mistakes. I've made my share. I'm sure there are many things I've done wrong that my daughters could list for you. We are also responsible for the children we bring into the world, but some pretty significant issues our children face — peer pressure, social media, the challenges of friendships, and the uncertainty of sending them out into an unpredictable world — are far beyond any parent's control. It's astonishing how much blame is placed on parents while the wider world escapes accountability. We don't talk enough about how the unpredictability and chaos of the world and all our children encounter shape them, possibly just as much as our parenting does.
It's astonishing how much blame is placed on parents while the wider world escapes accountability.
While many parents may roll their eyes at the surgeon general's report, it may be a positive step that it at least acknowledges the struggles parents face today. We know there are real and pressing challenges — poverty, child illness, learning disabilities, work stress, the influence of social media — the list goes on. And while many of these issues require a complete overhaul of government programs, workplace policies, and societal norms, at least this report brings the conversation to the forefront.
And as parents, how can we afford to wait for the world to change, especially with our stress levels literally making us sick? The surgeon general's report highlights that many parents are already stretched thin between work and caring for their children. Yet, if we can find the time and energy, there are ways we can make a difference. We can engage in activism, join community boards, school boards, or local politics, and make our voices heard at the voting booth. There are also excellent nonprofits offering support, and we can extend a hand to other families in need through our own acts of giving. We can at least be part of the change that's needed.
We need your help to stay independent
It's also essential for us as parents to continue helping ourselves and our children manage stress and build fulfilling lives despite the obstacles we face for our families' well-being. Studies show that fear of the unknown amplifies stress and anxiety, clouds our judgment, and, when prolonged, can negatively affect our health. How we relate to uncertainty plays a crucial role in handling the highs and lows of parenting. As parents, we want to enjoy this journey, make thoughtful decisions, and be there for our children for as long as possible.
Unlike many, I like to think of the unknown as a place of hope. Sure, things may not always turn out the way we want as parents — the "maybe not" — but that's only one side of the unknown. The other side of uncertainty holds a "maybe" filled with possibility, potential, and even miracles we can't foresee. This fresh perspective on uncertainty can give us the strength to face each new day, believing that our children can still overcome their challenges. It also gives us hope for change — whether in government programs, workplace support for parents, more postpartum care, or, most of all, a kinder, more generous world for our children.
No one knows the future, and I see that as a good thing, especially if we want the world to improve for our children. If we can't be sure doom and gloom are ahead, then embracing "maybe" and holding onto a loose grip of hope is far better for every parent's mental health.
Ultimately, instead of constantly pointing out what parents are doing wrong, we must address the real issues that affect us all. At the same time, as parents, we need to acknowledge our fear of the unknown and learn to approach life's unavoidable uncertainties with less stress and worry. Even with all our challenges, the truth is that Maybe everything can still turn out okay. But for now, we must stop blaming parents for a world they didn't create alone.
Shares