People-pleasing with money? Here's how to stop

Loaning money to a relative or co-signing on a car loan — when you're barely squeaking by. Throwing money at lavish gifts to impress others. Pretending you make less than you do because you don't want to appear pompous or better than others.  

These are all examples of "financial fawning." A fairly new concept in the financial therapy world, it essentially describes people-pleasing behavior that can be rooted in trauma. 

A concept coined by Trauma of Money, a psychoeducational program that offers trauma-sensitive approaches to money, financial fawning (which as initially known as "financial codependency")  is defined as "the need to appease behaviors."

As Trauma of Money describes, "Financial fawning is when money is used as a tool to seek security and attachment. This response often manifests as people-pleasing, excessive accommodation, and prioritizing others' needs over their own, even at the expense of their well-being. We may use our money as a "please love and accept me'  fund in order to avoid conflict and /or prevent being abandoned, rejected, or shunned." 

What financial fawning can look like 

There are many forms in which financial fawning can be expressed. According to Trauma of Money, common examples include: 

Underearning. Not asking for what you're worth at the workplace. Subconsciously, you might want to please your boss by not asking for "too much" or potentially making more than your peers. 

Overspending. You might spend lots of money over the holidays to curry favor among your friends and family. Or at a recent weekend brunch, a friend can't foot the bill and you covered their share even though you didn't really want to.

Not accepting money. Otherwise known as financial rejection, you've likely had a hard time accepting cash gifts or denying yourself lucrative business opportunities. This might seem like a head-scratcher, but it could be an attempt to look modest or not greedy. 

Workaholism. You may be prone to overworking, maybe to people-please your boss to avoid getting fired, or maybe to make money so that you can support those in your life, or maybe to avoid difficult emotions. While you might take a lot of money, you might keep less of it because of poor financial boundaries. 

Taking on other people's financial problems. This can look like co-signing or covering the utility bills for a family member who has asked for financial assistance. 

Financial avoidance. Has it been a while since you checked your debt load or your bank balance? Because you're mentally and emotionally fatigued by financial fawning, your financial well-being — and the practice of good habits — may get neglected. 

Lack of financial boundaries. You might take on financial risks (i.e., co-signing for someone and putting your own financial well-being at risk) to please others. 

Indulging others. When it comes to couples and financial fawning, this can involve taking on an uninspiring job so your other partner can have a "fun job" or a leisurely life, explained Ed Coambs, a certified financial planner and financial therapist who specializes in working with couples and founder of Healthy Love and Money. You might also give them permission to pamper themselves or indulge in an expensive hobby to keep them happy. 

Reasons behind financial fawning 

Sometimes financial fawning is a trauma response. Like the other trauma responses — flight, fight or freeze mode — you might exhibit financial fawning as a learned response or an expectation you grew up with.

For example, you might have been raised in a family or culture where if you're doing better financially than others, you can't let others suffer, and it's your responsibility to help those who are faring worse. 

"Fawning is often connected to people-pleasing or co-dependent behaviors," said Saundra Davis, a master certified coach in financial planning and founder of Sage Financial Solutions. "For instance, if it's from an early wound, and you fear you're going to lose the love of your family, that could be linked to trauma." 

"The person is going to comply because, for some reason — maybe in their history or even in the present — being compliant is safe," she says. "But sometimes, the behavior could be how you were raised." 

Interestingly, while it looks like you're trying to meet the other person's needs by complying, you're actually trying to get your needs met, Davis said. This might stem from a childhood wound or codependency, where making someone else happy makes you happy.

There are a lot of reasons why someone might financially fawn, Davis said. For example, maybe you're lending money to people when you're already in financial distress, but are driving to loan them money because you care about them, feel responsible for them or feel guilt. "Sometimes it's a function of how we've coped and how we've managed our distress in the past," Davis said. 

To grow and become emotionally mature and healthy, we need other people who can mirror us accurately and understand our emotional experiences, Coambs said. "So if we grow up in an environment where people don't quite understand us, or parents use money to keep us happy, the message becomes, 'To soothe relationships, you use money.'" 

Financial fawning or generosity?

As Coambs explains, you might be financially fawning when you have problems with your finances and you feel resentment or frustration. "There's also usually an imbalance in the pattern," Coambs said. "If you're really focused on trying to make your partner happy financially, but your partner is not doing that." 

"If you're experiencing resentment or remorse or shame or anger or anxiety after you do something, that's probably a sign that it's financial fawning," Coambs said. "But if you're doing it to be nice and you feel cheerful, grateful, relieved, a sense of love — then you're being generous." 

Another way to look at financial fawning? There's a disconnect between the intended outcome and the real outcome of how you actually feel. "Fawning comes from this desire to be seen as a good person," Coambs said. "They don't want to be seen as rude or harsh or unsupportive or uncaring. So they'll violate their own boundaries.".

The downside of financial fawning 

As you might expect, financial fawning can negatively impact not only your finances but also your emotional and mental health. It might hurt your credit score, cause you to rack up unnecessary debt or derail your financial goals. 

By not adhering to what feels good to you, you're not making money choices that are in accordance with your values, goals and what's right for you. 

"Often when we think we are helping, we're sometimes harming," Davis said. For example, let's say you're constantly bailing out your adult child. In turn, they're not learning to solve their own problems and are developing a codependency with you. "At that point, you may be facilitating a behavior causing more harm than good."

How to set boundaries 

"Healthy couples are mutually supportive and respectful of each other's financial needs and desires," Coambs said. "But they're also not sacrificing their own wants and desires." 

For romantic partnerships, invite your partner into a conversation, Coambs said. "Let them know, 'Hey, I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm seeing that I have this pattern that when I want to make you happy, I'll say yes to something money-related.'" 

If you start saying "no" out of the blue when you've been saying "yes," unless they're very emotionally mature, they're likely going to be upset, Coambs said.

To establish better boundaries with yourself and your money, consider doing some introspection on what has been causing you stress, anxiety, resentment or anger in your financial behaviors, patterns and dynamics with the people in your life. 

As Trauma of Money explains, offering yourself compassion can give you greater space. And when you have greater space for yourself, you have more access to choice. From there, work on establishing clear boundaries with yourself and others. Then slowly build tolerance to feel safe to establish, communicate and enforce those boundaries. 

You can also seek help from a professional, such as someone from the Financial Therapy Association. "A third party can provide the relational support and safety a client needs so they can practice and do it without worry," Coambs said.