It’s no secret that America has an affordable housing shortage. At the same time, too many housing developers hear “affordable housing” and think, “Nope. Those projects don’t let me afford as many lambskin house slippers as building another high-rise. And if I can't get lost in the aroma of a saffron tagine because I'm distracted by itchy slippers, I’m going to kill somebody."
Do you want that to happen? We don’t, either. That’s why at Sterling & Cobalt, the city’s premiere development firm not facing any active tenants’ rights litigation, we’ve mapped out a game-changing affordable housing strategy that generates mammoth profits and houses human bodies.
Below are just a few of our proposed innovations:
Bye bye, windows
The enemy of affordable housing isn’t developers chasing the carnal pleasure of a bite of wagyu melting on his tongue. It’s windows. Without them, developers could fit 800% more units in a building. Then they could collect that much more rent and reinvest those funds into the building — by investing in their personal mental health and snagging a condo on the serene, black sand beaches of Tahiti.
Of course, radical scientists claim that without access to natural light, humans are at heightened risk of depression. But scientists also claim that yachts hurt the environment, which is incorrect, as yachts provide hours of stimulation to the dolphins trying to avoid their blows. Suffice it to say, we’re confident in our windowless dwelling units, which we like to call “fully walled” apartments; any apartment with a window will henceforth be referred to in industry literature as a “glass-in-hole” unit.
Which one sounds more appealing to you without any context? Exactly.
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So long, kitchens!
As several studies have never shown, kitchens can be depressing for poor people, on account of reminding them they’ll never be able to afford the craft beer growlers and sprouts bundles that would really add some life to the space. Would you give a dock to somebody without a yacht? Here at Sterling & Cobalt, we aren’t interested in committing architectural microaggressions.
That’s why, in lieu of kitchens, we’ll suspend top-of-the-line feeding tubes from the ceiling, dispensing a delicious, protein-packed paste. The paste’s consistency can be best described as “tantalizingly waxy.” And let me assure you, I eat this stuff all the time, usually after a long day of volunteering.
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Make ceilings less indulgent
The average ceiling is a whopping 9 feet tall. Meanwhile, most poor people stand at just 4 feet because they only eat cheeseburgers and have never heard of vitamins, according to a wellness podcaster named Jax I once listened to. By reducing ceiling heights to a streamlined 2 feet, we’ll provide residents a priceless luxury: lying flat on their backs at all times.
Rethink "walls"
Why are walls so thick? They’re stuffed with wires, insulation and dead rodents. This adds up to a colossal misuse of space — unlike my cigar room, which I built to inspire the love of my life (me) to learn more about cigars.
Insulation? That might make sense in a world without parkas
Insulation? That might make sense in a world without parkas. As for electricity, I’ll remind you of the detrimental impacts that smartphones have on our collective mental health. Here at Sterling & Cobalt, we’re not interested in perpetuating psychic harm — we’re interested in tearing down walls, not building new ones.
By removing walls from all units and the rest of the building, residents can connect with their neighbors on a deep, intimate and perpetually infinite basis — almost like living on the streets of Manhattan. Where else can you afford to feel like you’re living in the Big Apple? (Three consultants advised us that by branding the property as a “New York-themed concept,” we could raise rents by at least 20%.)
Say hello to your mandatory pet
What’s better: a dead rat, or one that’s given the opportunity to thrive? Here at Sterling & Cobalt, we’re interested in enhancing life, not ending it.
Call it a game-changing move for animal rights: In this building, the rats will remain in what’s just as much their home as our tenants. Rats are highly intelligent, emotional creatures, and we can’t think of a more meaningful way to support our tenants’ mental health than gifting each of them one of these beady-eyed companions. Plus, with the money saved on an inhumane exterminator, that condo can finally get the beachside jacuzzi it’s been begging for — just the thing a developer needs to brainstorm his next innovation.
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