A glimpse into the girlboss era

Hello, girlbosses. Welcome to your company’s networking luncheon for women. It’s the year 2015, we’re less than a year away from electing the first female president and things have never been better for women of all stripes — blondes, brunettes, even redheads.

Wow, would you look at that cutlery and table linens? No, our aren’t triggering hallucinations — those napkins are indeed adorned with phrases like “NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED HER WAY INTO WEALTH, THEN BOUGHT A SICK LEXUS,” and “WOMEN SLAY THE HARDEST WHEN ACTING LIKE MEN” and “NASTY WOMAN (WITH A SMUDGE OF MUSTARD ON HER CHIN).” And, if I may, quickly — the cups? Look closer! They say “LADIES WHO ARE LIQUID,” because a fierce feminist can — and, perhaps, should? — also be a fierce capitalist. The plates say “BALANCING ACT” — because if you’re not balancing a full-time career and raising three scrappy boys in a Connecticut suburb, are you really doing enough? Also, the tablecloth says “COVER UP” because we wear makeup and constantly mask our true emotions at work. This company has taken no meaningful action to eliminate its gender wage gap.  

Who runs the world? Girls!

Ugh. I love when my yoga instructor, Kayleigh Anne, plays Beyoncé during final savasana. In those moments, it gives me chills thinking about her music being consumed in exactly the way she must’ve dreamed about during those long nights in the studio with Jay.

Clap if you’re happy to be here. (The audience claps.) It’s a thrilling time to be a boss babe, isn’t it? We’re obsessed with HBO’s “Girls,” which will never face a retroactive cultural reckoning for its overwhelming whiteness — then, weirdly, re-age well again, because of how accurate that whiteness ultimately proved to be. And we’re still thinking about "The Help," a groundbreaking film set in 1960s Mississippi that finally approached its subject matter from a white perspective. Nothing — save, perhaps, for Olivia Wilde singing “Fight Song” during Carpool Karaoke, if only that bliss pill existed — is more quietly powerful than a fallopian tube embroidered on a throw pillow. 

And we have faith that this time next year, Hillary Rodham Clinton — a widely beloved, uncomplicated figure in U.S. politics — will be elected president. Then, by, say, the year 2025, The Wing will have just opened its millionth location, Caitlyn Jenner will have established herself as a liberal icon, Abercrombie & Fitch will be canceled once and for all, sexual violence will have vanished in our new matriarchy, social media will be for women, by women — and, heck, I guess Elizabeth Holmes will be the new Mark Zuckerberg? 

All that abundance awaits. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. 

OK, ladies, now let’s get in formation!

Before we shift gears to slay o’clock, I’d love everybody to take a moment and look around at their sisters-in-commerce in the room — or, cis-sters, as you might say, because, yeah, let’s not mince words: This current wave of feminism is extremely weird about trans women. Anyways! Look at a woman. Now, another one. Now look at someone else. Don’t think about how you can compete against her. Think about how you can help her — that way, you can also benefit from her gains, and continue comparing your successes against hers on an endless and repetitive loop. Because remember, ladies: We’re not our network. We’re our net worth.

Sometimes s*** go down when it’s a billion dollars on an elevatooooooor!

By now, you may have noticed the thread and crocheting loops in a small, woven basket next to each of your place settings. That basket was made by a woman in Peru, I’m told, and I pray she was paid a boss babe’s wage.

After our keynote speaker, we’ll spend the rest of our time together cross-stitching uteruses on pillowcases that’ll be sent to wrongfully incarcerated women — and only the wrongfully incarcerated — with each pillowcase bearing an inscription of an inspirational quote from a Fortune 500 CEO. My personal favorite comes from former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina: “Quitting law school was the most difficult decision of my life.” 

Nothing is more powerful than one woman finding solace in another woman’s words — save, perhaps, for the solidarity between two women experiencing what might feel like the same degree of hardship, given their wildly different lives, but, ultimately, isn’t. 

And sorry, male prisoners — next time you find yourself wanting a cursed feminasty pillowcase, ask yourself why you didn’t do more to help women in the workplace before you found yourself behind bars. Convenient, eh? 

If I were a booooyyyy!

Ladies, don’t forget to enter our raffle! This month’s hot-ticket item is our Staycation basket. It contains a bright pink “BRB, FILING” emery board, two bottles of “I PUT THE ‘HER’ IN MOISTURE AND MY HEAD IN THE SAND” body lotion, and a charcoal facemask. 

And please, help yourself to refreshments throughout the luncheon. In addition to our usual feminasty snack offerings — “shuck the patriarchy” oysters, char-cooch-erie boards and tuna salad — we’re serving roe, as a tasty homage to the protections enshrined under Roe v. Wade. If anyone here is worried that such an indulgence suggests that we’re getting a bit too loose with the purse strings, heed my words: Our catering budget is robust, and we look forward to a bright future of plentiful sashimi and federal abortion safeguards.  

I-I-I-I woke up like this!

Let me address anybody here who thinks that this so-called “girlboss feminism,” in pursuing gender equality, is actually just presenting a uniquely American, capitalist version of feminism that presents the last frontier of gender equity as women pursuing wealth and careerist power above all else. And let me speak directly to anyone who thinks that, sure, while these luncheons are vital resources for marginalized communities to find community and solidarity in the workplace, they’re also going to be about as effective as the schoolyard nerds gathering in a multipurpose room and brainstorming ways they’d like the bullies to stop oppressing them, while the bullies remain on the playground, smoking expensive Cuban cigars. 

To that, I’d say: Disciplinary action awaits — as does our “Reiki through the #Resistance” workshop, this time next week!

Now, allow me to introduce today’s keynote speaker: our company’s CEO, Bradford Littlejohn II, without whom none of us would be here. Brad, take it away. 

Best revenge is your paper!