Disney's new California Adventure amusement park, next door to Disneyland, offers visitors a chance to experience California without having to go to California, except for the fact that California Adventure is in California. But it's not in a part of California where visitors would want to go, except for the fact that it's next door to Disneyland.
Non-Californians can now experience the Golden State the way we natives do, without having to meet any of us natives, except for the ones who are working their way through high school at California Adventure. They can strap themselves into big, round boats that go down water-filled chutes, just like we do. They can explore 8 acres of wilderness -- that's about five city blocks -- just as we're able to do. They can wander into San Francisco's Golden Gate Park and enjoy the strolling musicians at sundown.
OK, we don't do that.
One "ride" that's sure to be a hit is the Superstar Limo, in which guests get to be "Tinseltown's biggest new star" being rushed to the premiere in style. Here are some ideas for California Adventure that got left on the drawing board:
San Francisco Apartment Hunt: Park visitors show up at an "open house" for a one-bedroom basement flat with no windows that's being offered for $2,500, only to find hundreds of animatronic rivals pushing them aside to offer the landlord drugs, bribes and sexual favors. The apartment is rented to the landlord's animatronic brother, who offers to double the rent and pay for an entire year right now, in cash. Also considered: Berkeley Hiss at the Movie Screen During Previews Adventure; San Francisco Freeze Your Ass off in July Habitat.
Rolling Blackout Coaster: Not only do riders experience the thrill of sudden starts and precipitous drops, but the power could go out at any time, especially with the park itself burning 150,000 light bulbs, day and night. When a blackout occurs, riders can call the power company on the cellphones provided. They'll be told that a worker will have to come out to restore the electricity, and asked if they can be on the ride between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. the day after tomorrow.
Hollywood Hooker Pickup: Visitors ride along "Sunset Boulevard" as animatronic working girls sidle up and ask if they're "dating." Also considered: Ventura Freeway Shootarama; Burbank Third Stage Smog Alert on Ice.
Humboldt County Pot Farm Trespass: Visitors "accidentally" venture onto the property of the animatronic, shotgun-wielding McAllister brothers, who are major marijuana growers. Also considered: Inland Empire Meth Lab Mania.
In addition to California Adventure, Disney is reportedly considering giving visitors a chance to experience other states without having to meet too many natives. Sources say the following parks are in the planning stages:
Delaware Adventure: Located just outside of Milford, this park will afford visitors the chance to feel like a true Delawarean with attractions such as the Pick Up a Vacationing D.C. Au Pair at Delaware Beach Roundup, and Drive to Jersey.
Florida Adventure: Located in Palm Beach, the new park will offer Sunshine State fun in the form of Spring Break Drink 'n' Hurl, Shuffleboard Fandango, Shoot the Tourists and Vote for All of 'Em!
Nevada Adventure: Visitors to this park just outside Las Vegas will visit a casino hotel decorated to look like an actual Las Vegas casino hotel that's been decorated to look like New York.
By King Kaufman
King Kaufman is a senior writer for Salon. You can e-mail him at king at salon dot com. Facebook / Twitter / Tumblr
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